QUESTION TYME: Daddy, why do you want to kill the friends in my hair?
A (guest) conversation between Hairy Father Tyme (HFT) & daughter Taliah, aged 5.75
[Following the discovery of nits and explanation of lengthy removal process]
– Daddy, why do you want to kill the friends in my hair?
– Why, Daddy, WHY?
– Um. Why do you think they’re your friends, Taliah?
– They come with me wherever I go. They like me.
– That doesn’t mean they’re your friends, though, does it?
– Why not?
– Well, just because they follow you, doesn’t mean they’re your friends – you’ve got to like them too.
– I do like them Daddy.
– Because they don’t want me to wash my hair.
– Oh [REALISING THE RUSE] I see. They’re not real friends, though are they?
– Why not?
– Well, friends look after EACHOTHER.
– Like you and mummy?
– Yes, like me and…
– Well, mummy looks after you a bit more, doesn’t she Daddy?
– Maybe. Anyway…it says here that your nits are only with you because they…
[googles “Nits”, finds “they feed exclusively on human blood” which would freak anyone out, let along a 5 year old, finds better words]
– …because they like, er, like the taste of your head [not the BEST words]!
– They’re EATING MY HEAD?
– Well little bits of it, yes. [TRYING TO CONTROL THE SITUATION] Very little bits.
– GET THEM OUT DADDY, GET THEM OUT. GETTHEMOUTGETTHEMOUTGETTHEMOUT MUMMYDADDYSAYSTHENITSAREEATINGMYHEADHELP!!!
– Calm down Taliah! PLEASE calm down…
– THEY’RE EATING MY HEAD [adinfinitum – or at least until bed]